I Achieved ALL Of My Goals ... And I Feel AWFUL
I remember sitting in my room every New Moon and frantically writing my letters to the universe. My hopes, my dreams, my manifestations:
“Enough money to live and not be petrified”
“A successful business”
“To write a book”
“To meet Shadow Boy”
“A black cat”
“Get my Masters Degree and my LPC”
“To help change the world of mental health”
And every month I’d send my intentions out and wait, hopeful, full of anticipatory energy. And then every day I would meditate––connecting to my Guides in hopes to catch wind of what was next and when all of these manifestations would finally come to fruition.
I remember hearing so loudly, “you just wait and see.” As if I had no idea what was in store for me.
They’d show me images. Talk to me all day long, pointing me in direction after direction that I’d follow religiously, just to be wow’ed by the doorway that opened because I heeded their call.
As I’m typing this I just had an amazing flashback to a time I was standing in my living room and I could feel Spirit surrounding me. I was asking them for guidance and to know that I’m on the right path with my business ventures and such. A presence came forward and I could tell it was actually my grandmother, which surprised me because normally my Guides were the ones who gave me information. And all she said loud and clear was, “Think Bigger.” And I stood there coated in chills and started sobbing; a. because I was hearing from my grandmother and b. because she made me feel like not only were my dreams possible, but I wasn’t dreaming big enough––that I was somehow limiting myself in the idea that I could do and be so much more than I was giving myself credit for. (So thank you for allowing me the space to sit with such a wonderful memory as I type this for you!)
Back to my story: every day my Guides would talk to me and I felt such a deep connection with them. And slowly but surely, every reassurance they’d give me, every feeling I’d get that SOMETHING was on the horizon, would be validated.
First the business started to take off.
I had clients falling from the sky.
I had enough money to get a new car, to travel, to pay all my bills, etc. etc.
That continued to grow for me –– and every time I’d get nervous that things were slowing down, I’d get a lovely energetic slap when they’d prove me wrong and show me that even on slow days, I’d always still have enough. They never let me down. And soon enough, I built up that “f*!$ it” attitude I love and have to this day that reminds me that Spirit and the Universe ALWAYS have my back. So there was no need to worry.
Then I published not one, but two books. (More are pending I promise).
And then I got my health in order and stopped getting sick all the time because I was feeling more empowered and actually took the time to love my body and nourish it in a health way.
And then I met Shadow Boy and had the most magical love story unfold.
And then we moved in together and built a life together and got not one, but TWO black cats.
And then I graduated with my Masters and am just about complete with my LPC.
And then I got the job offer at Yale. And the chance to literally change the world of mental health by working on ground breaking studies that work to MERGE my two worlds of spirit and mental health treatment.
I got it all. The job. The dreams. The pursuits. The boy. The house. The family. The money. The health.
I was SO busy working on killing it and making these dreams a reality that I never even noticed when Spirit suddenly went quiet. So deep in the trenches of grinding it the F out that I never even noticed when I completely disconnected from myself.
So when it all came to a head; when all my dreams were active, alive, present, and I was flowing alongside of them, what met me at the end of my dance to the other side of the rainbow was NOT a leprechaun with a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a life full of sunshine and daisies, but a complete and utter sense of emptiness, disconnection and confusion.
Wasn’t this supposed to be like … EVERYTHING?
I thought there’s nothing but like parades and cheering and excitement at the end? That’s what happens in the movies isn’t it?
Well, we don’t actually know, do we? Because movies always end just when the main character gets the girl or the boy or gets the job or achieves the task they were set out to complete. The end of the movie doesn’t show the aftermath once all of the goals are attained.
Granted, life is not a movie. And if it were, well then, we’d all die as soon as we found the person or beat the Dark Lord or won the Hunger Games. And I’m certainly not planning on dying any time soon, so this is by no means the end of my movie.
I came to quite a few realizations about myself and my experiences over the last few weeks.
One of which, I am ashamed to admit I am guilty of, is that we often forget to reach out to Spirit when things are actually going correctly. We get down on our knees and pray and scribble our manifestations to Mother Moon and BEG for her guidance and blessings as we manifest, but once it’s here … after we scream “THANK YOU, THANK YOU!” it’s easy for us to move on to the next manifestation. We get so accustom to turning to them for guidance in our times of perceived turmoil, that during the good times, we may forget that they are there because we simply don’t “need” them as much. And while I used to be someone who regularly communed with her Guides, no matter what was going on, that part of me slipped, and with it –– my deep sense of connection to the divine that surrounds me every day. While I was feeling so disconnected, I realized a huge part of it was that my Guides were no longer “needed” to be reminding me constantly through the day that all will be well because I no longer needed to “just wait and see.” (Kudos to them, because I really DIDN’T have any idea what was in store for me). And I do believe that part of this is that I learned to truly trust them and didn’t need to constantly hear from them either for validation, but for crying out loud, when the chaos ended and everything was here, I was like, “HELLO? ANYONE THERE?”
So lesson 1: Don’t forget to establish connection with your Guides other than from a place of want and need. Connect to them just simply to connect to them. And don’t forget to do it AFTER you get what you want, because, well … that’s not all they are there for. And I’ll be the first to raise my hand and say it SUCKS when it feels like they aren’t around anymore after spending so many years closely talking to them.
Lesson 2 (and this may be an even bigger lesson than number 1) is that life does NOT get better after your dreams have arrived. It will remain very much the same as it was before. Whether you were miserable or whether you were extremely happy, it will remain the same. Because even though the circumstances change, YOU don’t. The way we perceive things, the way we behave, our ability to handle life –– that’s all going to be the same.
I’m thankful that I spent a lot of time healing myself before venturing out on this manifestation mania path because even I, who felt really grounded and happy with my life, felt this sense of disconnection once all of the chaos of school and working toward the goals finally came to a head. It’s like all that frantic energy just STOPPED. And now I’m left here like … “great, now what?” I’m saying this while simultaneously LOVING my life. I truly do, and I am SO SO grateful and excited about everything that I do every single day. But I lost a sense of myself along the way that I’m slowly getting reconnected to (especially now that I have the time!) so I can’t even imagine what this feels like for someone who did NOT do the healing work prior to setting out on a journey to achieve very specific goals in a very short period of time.
I feel like part of my “problem” is that my focus became so honed in on goals that were achievable by a deadline, that I forgot to remember the bigger goals I’m working toward on a daily basis –– creating a balanced life, surrounding myself in an energy of gratitude, HAVING FUN. Yeah, having FUN is something I forgot to do!! I joked with my coach the other day that I must have something wrong with me if I have it all and still feel I need counseling, but we realized that what was missing was this element of fun that had nothing to do with work. I just always included my Journeys work as part of my fun because I LOVE it so much, but that just doesn’t count because it still take energy from me and there was a lack of fun outside of work in my life.
Lesson 3 (really an expansion of 2, so 2a) just might be that it’s important to always look at the bigger picture. That telling ourselves things like “well when I have …. “ or “when I get enough …. “ or “when this happens …” I’ll be happier is … well, a lie. It’s not. Because again, you’re still going to be the same person. And once that goal is here, you’re going to want to just come up with another goal … in hopes that that one will make you happier.
For me, it wasn’t about happiness. It was about balance. I was working SO hard that I couldn’t wait until I just HIT the money mark and got myself to that space because then I could FINALLY have balance in my life and wouldn’t have to work so hard. HAHA. That is not real. Because I probably work 10 times harder now and have even less balance. Which is why I’m working on rebalancing my life and implementing more fun.
So this applies to everyone whether it’s feeling like you’ll be happier “when” or you’ll have balance “when.” No. Well, sure it may HELP you in some ways. But ultimately, if all we’re doing is focusing on “when it gets here” we’re going to lose sight of what we can do NOW to bring what we’re looking for into our lives. I could have carved out far more time for FUN for me a year ago, but it took me to feel disconnected and super confused as to why this would be happening to figure it out.
I wanted to share this with you because I feel like we have this preconceived notion that people around us have it all figured out. That people with the perfect job or the perfect Instagram posts must have a perfect life. But that’s not real either. We all have our shit. So rather than focusing on how your life can improve “when” start focusing on how YOU can improve your life NOW, not WHEN. Because achieving your goals may feel good in the moment when it’s here, but all it will do is bring up the next round of things if you don’t figure out why you’re chasing after that goal to begin with.
This isn’t telling you to stop chasing your goals! Because again, I LOVE my life. It’s freaking AWESOME. And I can’t believe sometimes how amazing this journey has been and how cool it is that all the things I wanted just seemingly fell from the sky. This is telling you to KNOW why you’re chasing those goals. And if the answer is “money” or “success” then you need to ask yourself WHY those things are important. And keep asking why until you get to the root of why any of it is really important to you. And rather than waiting until the goal is achieved, start figuring out ways to get that in our life in the here and now. That way when the goal presents itself, you don’t take it for granted and find yourself sitting and wondering why nothing has actually changed for you.
Thank you for allowing me to share some of my experiences with you. I will always remain authentic and truthful with you –– sharing the truth of what I know and experience as I do. I won’t sugar coat and pretend that everything is “oh so perfect.” If anything, I can only hope that my insights help you to improve your life or help you in some way, shape or form.
As always, if you need anything, you know where to find me!
I love you all!